


Conduct Unbecoming

by flowerfan



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Discussion of past sexual assault of an OC no detail given, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Forgiveness, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 20:24:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16047911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerfan/pseuds/flowerfan
Summary: Steve confesses something to Danny that he's afraid will change their relationship forever.  But he can't keep quiet any longer about what happened back at school, not when the perpetrator is about to be put into an even greater position of power.





	Conduct Unbecoming

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by several recent news stories, and a podcast where author Roxane Gay addressed the dilemma surrounding how to react when a loved one tells you they have done something difficult to forgive (in that case, rape). Steve’s misconduct in this story is not of the same magnitude as the crime that was the subject of that discussion, but it does raise some very significant (and possibly triggering) issues. Contact me if you want to know more before reading.

Steve leans against the counter and tries to hold it together for just a little bit longer. Despite the ridiculously long day they’d had, on top of a ridiculously busy week, Danny is fairly chipper as he bustles around Steve’s kitchen, rambling on about marsala and mushrooms and some other recipe related trivia that Steve isn’t really listening to. Danny looks good - stubble dusting his chin, the top few buttons of his shirt undone, his hands flying as he talks a mile a minute. Steve can’t bring himself to interrupt just yet.

“Hey, babe, you with me?” Danny has finally come to a stop, one hip jutted out and a concerned look on his face, spoon dangling from his hand. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay.”

Danny doesn’t buy it, moving in closer and squinting at Steve. “I admit I don’t really have a name for that face. But it doesn’t look good.” He bumps his shoulder against Steve’s. “Sit down and tell me about it.”

“After dinner.” 

Danny shrugs, and moves to pour them each a glass of red wine. “Whatever you say.” He turns back to the stove, and starts up his prattle again, trying to get them back into a more familiar Friday night rhythm. Steve has to give him kudos for trying.

When the food is eaten and the dishes cleaned and stowed, Danny grabs two beers and walks outside. Steve trails him down to the chairs by the water, and they clink the necks of their bottles together as they sit down. 

“All right, spill,” Danny says after a few minutes. “And don’t tell me nothing’s wrong, you look like you’re afraid Cujo is going to come up out of the ocean and bite your head off.”

“Cujo’s a dog,” Steve replies, trying to hang on to a few more moments of normalcy.

“Okay, a Kraken or something. Leviathan, whatever. Quit stalling and spit it out. You’re making me nervous. We’ve only been doing this for a few months, I can’t have screwed it up that bad yet.”

Steve grimaces. He isn’t breaking up with Danny, far from it. Nothing has made him happier then Danny finally agreeing to give them a go as a romantic couple, after dancing around it for so long. Steve only hopes Danny won’t feel differently when the night is over.

Steve reaches out to take Danny’s hand and squeezes it. “Don’t be nervous. It’s not anything like that.”

Danny nods and turns Steve’s hand in his own, shifting until he can twine their fingers together. “Whatever’s eating you, Steve, you can tell me.”

“I know,” Steve says softly. “I just don’t want to.”

“Come on, big guy. I know talking about your feelings is hard for you, but you can do it.” Danny gives him a fond look, and scoots closer, leaning forward. “I’ve got your back, Steve. Whatever it is.”

Steve takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “I can’t go to Charlie’s soccer game with you guys tomorrow morning.”

Danny raises an eyebrow. “Not really that big a deal, but okay, I can work with that-”

“Because I’ve got a meeting at the base at 9 a.m. And afterwards, I might not be in the Navy anymore.”

Danny gives him an appraising look, with a hint of apprehension. “You feeling your age, buddy? What have we said about making retirement decisions without consulting each other, huh? Wait - you’re not sick again, are you? You just had a check-up, there wasn’t any sign of radiation damage…”

“I’m not talking honorable discharge.”

Crickets would have been a welcome sound in the depth of the resulting silence.

Danny sits up a little straighter, and rubs a hand over his face. “Steve, you want to give me a little more to go on, here?”

“I lied during an investigation.”

Danny considers this, and Steve knows what’s running through his head – they’ve managed to bluff their way through so many questionable tactics - perps somehow dangling off of buildings, inexplicably thrown in shark tanks, clumsily falling down stairs. “Steve, we-”

“Not with Five-0. In college. A midshipman was sexually assaulted, and I said I didn’t see it.”

Even in the golden light of the sunset, Danny’s face goes pale. He lets go of Steve’s hand (don’t flinch, Steve thinks, it’s just going to get worse) and sits back in his chair. 

“Tell me about it from the beginning, Steve.” Danny’s voice is suddenly cold, and Steve doesn’t know what else he was expecting. “All of it.”

Steve dives in. It’s time. “It was winter, my first year. It had been a rough few weeks. There was an ongoing exercise where the plebes were grouped together randomly and pitted against each other in skills tests, speed, agility, marksmanship. One of the smaller guys, Kevin Nathan, was falling behind, and his team didn’t do what they should have to support him. They got reamed out, disqualified, for failing to work together.” Steve paused, unable to look at Danny as he continued, instead staring out over the darkening waves.

“That night the rest of Nathan’s team cornered him in the locker room and assaulted him. I was in the pool, lost in my own head doing laps, but I heard something when I came up for a break. Sound was all wonky in there, though, and it took me a few minutes to figure out where it was coming from. By the time I found the spot, everyone had scattered.”

“The next day Nathan was gone. A few days later, a rumor spread that he was claiming that one of the guys, Tom Clark, had raped him. Next thing you know there was an investigation, complete with the insinuation that Nathan was probably gay, and if so, there wasn’t much anyone could have done to protect him.”

Steve glanced over at Danny, who was hanging his head down in his hands. When Steve didn’t go on, Danny finally looked up.

“You said you lied. How?” Danny asked, his voice rough.

“The guys who did it claimed they hadn’t been anywhere near the pool or the locker room. I had signed in when I went to swim, so they asked me if I saw anything. I said I didn’t.”

Steve remembered the interview, sitting in an uncomfortable chair, men in uniforms running through a rote list of questions and sending him on his way. He remembered waiting for them to ask if he heard anything, if he had any reason to think that something had happened there that night, if he had any reason to believe Nathan’s allegations, but the questions never came. Just “did you see anything?” and then “thank you for your time, Midshipman.”

“You didn’t tell them what you heard,” Danny says flatly.

“No.”

Danny stands up and starts pacing, his bare feet hardly making a sound in the sand. “Why now, Steve? Why are you telling me this now? Oh wait, yeah, because you’re about to go fall on your sword, seek absolution from the military gods. What brought on this crisis of conscience?”

There’s a straight answer for Danny’s question, unfortunately, and it isn’t just that Steve finally decided to do the right thing. “Clark, the one who Nathan said raped him, he’s up for an ambassadorship. I can’t let it happen.”

“But up until now, it’s been just dandy? You had no problem with this, this monster doing whatever he’s been doing all this time?” Danny spits out his words. “What has he been doing, huh?”

“He’s been stationed in South Korea.”

Danny looks like he’s about to explode when Steve fails to give any more detail. “I’m sure the rest is classified, so I’ll have to just imagine. I bet he’s been busy spreading tolerance and goodwill everywhere, except when he’s tormenting subordinates and assaulting anyone who’s the least bit different than what he deems acceptable.”

“I’m so sorry, Danny,” Steve says. “I’m so sorry.” 

“You’re sorry – you’re saying sorry to me? What have you done to me? What about to that kid? To all the kids that monster has hurt, huh, what about them?”

“I know.” Steve struggles up out of his chair, his legs barely supporting him, and takes a tentative step towards Danny. “That’s why I’m turning myself in.”

Danny locks eyes with Steve, and suddenly the full meaning of what might happen tomorrow seems to take the wind out of him. For a brief moment, Steve thinks Danny might fold himself around him, take Steve in his arms and tell him everything is going to be okay.

But instead Danny turns on his heel and walks away, waving one arm up in the air. “I gotta go. I just…”

Danny disappears into the house, presumably to get his shoes, and a minute later he backs the Camaro out of Steve’s driveway and takes off down the road with a squeal of his tires. Leaving Steve alone, just like he deserves.

It takes Steve a few minutes to realize that he is now sitting on the sand, the cold seeping into his skin through the seat of his pants. He isn’t surprised by Danny’s reaction, not really. He had half expected Danny to slug him, to pull back and just beat the crap out of him. He had kind of hoped he would.

Instead Steve saw that look on Danny’s face, disgust and horror and raw pain, with nothing else to focus on but the sure knowledge that he was going to lose Danny over this. And he couldn’t even blame him.

It wasn’t as if Steve didn’t know Danny’s views on the issue. Steve felt the same way, as ironic and pointless as it was to think that, under the circumstances. Crimes are crimes, no matter how old you are, and being a teenager isn’t an excuse. 

Just a few weeks ago Five-0 was all out for drinks to celebrate the end to a particularly tricky case when they had overheard some guy ranting about how a drunk mistake by a teenager shouldn’t ruin his whole life, that the asshole politician who had just been accused of raping a girl back in high school didn’t deserve to be punished for “one bad decision.” Junior and Tani had jumped up to rip the guy a new one, and Danny had nodded along, proud of their rookies for not putting up with that kind of warped bullshit.

This isn’t complicated stuff. They all know right from wrong. Assault is wrong, sexual assault is horribly wrong, homophobic hate crimes in the military are, unquestionably, wrong. And failing to speak up in the face of these things is the act of a coward, let alone conduct unbecoming an officer.

Steve wakes up some time later, sprawled out on the sand, chilled to the bone. Even in Hawaii, it can get cold at night. He wonders if he’ll ever have another night with Danny, curled up in bed together, laughing and kissing and laughing some more. He’s never had so much fun with another person, in or out of bed. He’s never had so much to lose.

Steve drags himself into the house and collapses on the couch until the sun comes up, then forces himself to shower and dress. He considers putting on his uniform, but it feels wrong to seek its comfort given the story he has to tell. Instead he pulls on ordinary clothes, a short sleeve shirt and cargo pants, and tries not to throw up when he sees his face staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

At eight o’clock, he squares his shoulders and opens the door, nearly crashing into Danny, who is standing outside on the porch, coffee in his hand.

“Drink this, and get in the car,” Danny says. His eyes meet Steve’s briefly, and Steve can tell that for all his bravado, Danny didn’t sleep much last night either. It’s one more ache on top of a mile high pile of them.

But Danny strides down the path and Steve can do nothing but follow him. There’s a moment of confusion when they get to the Camaro, both of them heading for the passenger seat.

“What, all of a sudden you don’t want to drive? Have I got to do all the work here?” Danny is trying to keep his voice light, Steve can tell, but Steve’s mind is still spinning. He can’t process the fact that Danny is here, he doesn’t know whether to be happy or to give in to the panic threatening to overwhelm him. 

Danny finally huffs out a sigh and gets into the driver’s seat when Steve stays frozen in place. He’s just glad Danny didn’t throw the keys at him, he probably would have just stared as they fell to the ground.

“Come on, zip zip, we’re not getting any younger,” Danny says, waving at Steve until he gets into the car. “Might run into traffic on the way to the base,” Danny mumbles as he backs out of the driveway. “Not like anyone here even knows what traffic is. Come to New Jersey, check out the George Washington Bridge, you’ll see some real traffic.”

It’s a classic Danny rant, one of his older ones, and it gives Steve a glimmer of hope. But then he remembers where they’re going, and he wonders if Danny showed up to make sure he actually went through with it. 

“Couldn’t trust me to do this myself, could you,” Steve says. 

Danny shoots a sharp look at Steve, and then flings his arm out to punch him in the arm. Hard. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Steve rubs his arm, and quickly forces himself to reevaluate the situation. Danny’s alternating between glaring at him and the road, and Steve’s eyes take in his closely shaven face, carefully styled hair, perfect tie…

“Your tie,” Steve starts, earning himself a wide eyed look on top of the glare.

“Yes, I’m wearing a tie. You can’t possibly object to this tie, Steven. You gave it to me yourself.”

Steve was charged with getting Danny a gag gift last Christmas for the Five-0 party, and he followed through, more or less, with a tie adorned with Danny’s least favorite fruit. But it’s made out of fine silk, tiny delicate gold pineapples on a soft blue background, and Steve could tell by the way had Danny stroked it and tried to hide his smile that he had done well.

“I did get it for you, didn’t I?” Steve says, in wonderment. Danny is dressed up, for him, for this horrid, sickening day.

But he still doesn’t understand. If anything, he’s even more confused. “Why,” Steve’s voice cracks and he starts over. “Why are you here?”

Danny shifts and Steve thinks he’s going to smack him again, but it doesn’t happen. Instead Danny reaches for Steve, his hand landing on Steve’s arm, and he sort of pets him awkwardly before putting his hand back on the steering wheel. 

“I could ask myself the same question,” Danny says. “I did, more or less, for a good number of hours last night. But in the end, I kept winding up in the same place. No matter what you did, Steve, no matter what you do, I’m with you. I may be angry, and upset, and fucking confused as hell, but I’m still with you.”

Steve’s heart feels like it’s going to beat out of his chest. “It’s that simple?”

“Didn’t say it was simple. But that’s how it is.”

When they get to the base, Steve expects Danny to drop him off, but he doesn’t. Instead Danny gets out of the car and walks inside with Steve, doing what he always tends to do when faced with Steve’s military background, and acts as if he’s not intimidated in the least. There have been times when Danny’s behavior exasperated Steve, when he wished that Danny could show military officers the respect they deserved. But today, when Steve feels like he’s a dead man walking, when he’s about to dig into the military’s stained and dirty laundry, Danny’s civilian stubbornness is a comfort.

Danny accepts an invitation to wait while Steve goes in to his meeting – it’s not Tripler, where they can hold each other’s hands while put-upon nurses fuss over them. Steve has to do this himself. But knowing he has Danny at his back, well, it’s pretty amazing. It gives him just a little boost of confidence, the thought that if Danny hasn’t abandoned him, maybe there will be something worth salvaging of himself when all is said and done.

Almost three hours later, when Steve finally makes it back to the lobby, Danny is still sitting there. He doesn’t complain about how long it took, or how bored he’s been, he just jumps up out of his seat and walks at Steve’s side back to the car. 

It’s not until they’ve left the base and pulled on to the highway that Danny’s shoulders relax. Steve knows there wasn’t much chance of the Navy actually detaining him, but he’s still as relieved as Danny seems to be that he’s back on familiar turf, riding along in the Camaro like it’s just an ordinary day.

Steve waits for Danny to ask him how it went, but he doesn’t, just reaches over and gives Steve’s hand a squeeze. Steve grabs on tight and doesn’t let go.

He realizes he must have dozed off when the car pulls to a stop. They’re in front of Rachel’s new house, a modest ranch with a pretty yard. “Danny…?”

“We missed Charlie’s soccer game, so I figured we’d stop by and say hello.”

It seems like a weird time for a visit, but Steve can’t bring himself to question it. Steve feels like he’s in a daze as they get out of the car, Charlie running out of the house to fling himself at Danny. Danny lifts his son in the air and then tucks him against his hip as Rachel ushers them inside.

“Take this guy for a sec while I compare calendars with Rachel, okay? We’ve got to figure out logistics for Grace’s cheer retreat, there’s a thorny carpool issue that needs my attention.” Steve doesn’t really register what Danny is saying, but then he’s got his arms full of a squirming five-year old and he’s forced to focus.

“Uncle Steve, I scored a goal today! It was awesome! But I fell and got a scratch, wanna see?” Charlie slides out of Steve’s arms and flops down on the floor, pointing to his leg. He’s still wearing his cute little red soccer t-shirt with the name of his team and their sponsor on it (My Café, a truly awesome breakfast spot in Kapolei), but his long socks have been pushed down to reveal a couple of red marks.

“Looks like it hurts, buddy. How’d that happen?” Steve sits down next to him and is regaled with the story of Briana and Kai and how the ball somehow rolled right between them towards the goal and would have gone in except for how Charlie dived and caught it with his hands.

“But I wasn’t ‘posed to use my hands, ‘cause it wasn’t my turn to be keeper. But Kai said I did good anyway and gave me a high five.” Charlie raises his hand over his head to demonstrate, and Steve gives him a high five. This leaves Charlie completely open to tickling, which Charlie is clearly anticipating, so before long they are rolling on the ground together, Charlie laughing uncontrollably as he pokes his little fingers into Steve’s stomach.

“Whew, I’m tired,” Charlie finally exclaims dramatically. “And hungry. Mom said she’d bring us a snack soon. Wanna read books while we wait?”

“Sure, pal.” Steve marvels a bit at the boy’s ability to manage him. He’s already so much like Danny. Charlie dashes across the room to retrieve a handful of books and then climbs into Steve’s lap. “Okay, go.”

Charlie hands Steve a book about sharks, and Steve makes himself comfortable, still on the floor, but with his back against an armchair. Charlie leans his head against Steve’s shoulder, a warm weight against his chest. His soft blond hair tickles Steve’s nose as he drags his finger across the pages of the book, outlining the pictures he likes most. 

They’re reading about how many teeth sharks have and comparing them to how many Charlie has in his own mouth, and whether Charlie will have as many teeth as a shark when he’s all grown up, when Rachel comes in and sets a tray of cheese and fruit on the table. 

Danny follows her and sits down on the couch, a fond expression on his face as he meets Steve’s eyes. 

“You want to take over?” Steve asks quietly, but Charlie shakes his head firmly.

“Nuh-uh. I like reading with you, Uncle Steve. Keep going.” Charlie snuggles closer in Steve’s arms. 

Steve feels tears well up in his eyes. Charlie is all that is good and sweet in the world, and he trusts Steve to look after him. He’s not sure he should be allowed to do that anymore, but Danny clearly wants him to believe differently.

Soon the little boy is asleep, and Rachel takes him back to his room. Danny slides a napkin full of cheese slices and small rounds of bread towards Steve, along with a glass of juice Steve hadn’t even noticed. Steve eats quickly, his hand shaking as he lifts the glass. He hadn’t even realized he was hungry.

“Charlie loves you, you know,” Danny says quietly as they head back out to the car. “So does Grace.”

Steve knows what Danny’s doing, knows he’s trying to make him see the good in himself. He wouldn’t have thought it would help, but it does. Danny’s sweet little boy is a powerful force, like Danny himself.

Back on the highway, Danny has apparently decided that Steve is fortified enough to talk about what happened.

“All right, fill me in.” 

Steve knows he’s not asking about the gossip from Charlie’s soccer game. Another time, he might have pretended to misunderstand, work Danny up into a little friendly banter. But not today. “They weren’t surprised when I told them about Clark.”

“What? What do you mean, they weren’t surprised?” Danny almost swerves, cursing to himself as he eases his foot off the pedal to slide into the right lane. 

“Apparently there have been other accusations.”

“And yet he’s still being considered for-” Danny’s voice drips with disbelief.

“Yup.” Steve lets this sink in. He’s still not sure it’s registering properly in his own mind, the knowledge that these types of allegations mean so little. It’s upsetting on so many levels. He knows the military has its faults, isn’t perfect by far, but he hates to believe that a man like Clark would be allowed to continue in his position once his superiors became aware of his misconduct.

In fact, as the meeting this morning had gone on, Steve had just become more confident that he was doing the right thing. And he didn’t want it to get covered up any longer. He was still trying to figure out how to best approach it, but there was one move that seemed like a potential next step. “I told them I’d go public with it, if nothing was done.”

Danny lets out a low whistle. “Damn. That’s bold, babe.” 

Steve thinks Danny sounds proud of him for being willing to expose himself to the world on this, but it’s not just him that would be at risk. Going public would also inevitably reveal the victim’s identity, even if Steve tried to keep it quiet. Nathan might not welcome that kind of attention, especially after all this time. “I think I’d have to ask Nathan first, though.”

Danny doesn’t respond, and Steve is suddenly scared that he screwed up. “Do you think I shouldn’t talk to Nathan? Is that a bad idea? Should I not go public?”

“Maybe? I don’t know. Would it help him to have this on the news, on the internet and everywhere else? Or would it just be to make yourself feel better?” Danny glances at Steve. “Sorry – I don’t mean to -- I don’t have a clue how to do this, Steve. This is above my pay scale. But there must be people who know, who’ve thought it through. I think you’ve got to talk to someone.”

“Like a counselor?” Steve’s had the same thought.

“Yeah, among other people. I contacted my guy, the one I talked to after the liver thing, to see if he could refer you to someone.” Danny pauses. “I didn’t say too much, promise, just the general gist. You’re not mad, are you?”

Steve chokes out a sound. “Mad? How the hell would I have any right to be mad?”

“I dunno, this isn’t my business, you don’t like therapy, I should butt out, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, god, any number of reasons.”

Steve parses this, tries to figure out how to respond. He knew this would take a toll on Danny, he just didn’t anticipate him trying to share Steve’s burdens, too. He should have known better. “You’re doing fine, Danno. More than fine. I’m – I’m so grateful, you can’t even imagine.”

Danny relaxes. “Okay. Good. Just, well, tell me if I cross a line, okay?”

Steve nods, and they drive on. Steve can see Danny formulating another question. “So, um, what’s gonna happen with you?”

“Not sure yet.”

Danny raises an eyebrow at him, and Steve sighs. “They didn’t seem to know what to do with me. Kept saying it was over twenty years ago, and I was just a kid, and I didn’t do anything that any kid wouldn’t have done. Tried to blame whoever did the investigation.”

“That doesn’t sound right.”

“No, it doesn’t. It isn’t. I had obligations as a midshipman, I was part of the Navy even then.”

“This doesn’t give me warm feelings about the military, you know that.”

“I know. For what it’s worth, it’s not over… it’ll go through the process, I have an appointment with an investigator next week.”

“But you’re probably still going to be a sailor, right?”

Steve clenches his fists together, lets himself say the words he’s been thinking all morning. “Unless I leave.”

“Is that something you’re considering?”

“Yeah. After all this… yeah.” He leans his head back and lets out a long sigh, wishing he could just close his eyes and make it all go away. “By the way, I’m meeting the governor tonight. Face to face. Figured I’d better keep him in the loop.”

Danny shoots a look at him. “You’re not gonna lose your job, Steve. Especially not if the military doesn’t even care about it.”

Steve shrugs. “We’ll see.” He wishes he could be more certain about it. Next to losing Danny, losing Five-0 wouldn’t compare, but it would still hurt.

They finally get to Steve’s house. Danny climbs out of the car and stretches his arms up in the air, his back muscles rippling under his thin shirt. “I think Charlie had the right idea.”

“What’s that?” Steve asks, walking up the path and unlocking the front door. It feels like it was years ago that he came outside and found Danny there, ready to stand by him through this awful day.

“Naps,” Danny says, his voice light. “We should take a nap. You’ll be in better shape to talk to the governor later.”

This sounds like a fantastic idea. “I couldn’t agree more.”

They drag themselves up the stairs and both strip down to their shorts. Danny slides under the covers first and holds an arm out for Steve.

“Come here, you.”

Steve obeys, his breath catching as he digs his head into the side of Danny’s neck. “Thank you. Thank you for still being here.” Steve can hardly believe that Danny is welcoming him back into his arms, his bed. His life.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Danny says softly. 

Steve lets himself sink into Danny, breathe in his scent, feel his strong body wrapped around his own. He wants to hold on to this feeling, the reassurance and safety of his lover’s embrace, but Steve can’t quite relax yet.

“How can you forgive me for this?” Steve finally asks, his words whispered into Danny’s skin. Because as much as Danny said yesterday that he wasn’t the one Steve needed to apologize to, Steve knows better. Steve’s not who Danny thought he was. Even after all they’ve been through together, too many near-death experiences and demonstrations of loyalty to count, Steve hid this from him. 

Danny wraps a strong hand around the back of Steve’s neck, fingers threading up into his hair, and shifts until he can meet Steve’s gaze. “I love you, that’s how. Love you like crazy, and I’m not willing to give that up. You’ve got some work to do, I think. But we’re gonna get through it, you and me. ”

“How can I fix it, though? I can’t go back.”

“Yeah, that’s why you move forward. Do something to address the kind of mindset that let that attack happen in the first place. We’ll figure out how – talk to advocates, support groups, I don’t know. You’ve got the kind of reputation, the rank, to get people to listen. If you’re willing to try.”

“I am. Whatever it takes.” He’s not sure this kind of thing can be fixed, not easily, but Danny’s right – he’s got to try.

“Good.” Danny shifts, curling closer around Steve, his hand shifting to stroke his cheek. “I know you, Steve. I know what’s in your heart. You’re a good man, the best man I know.”

“I don’t feel like a good man.”

Danny kisses his cheek, warm lips pressing gently against his skin, and Steve shivers. “Trust me, you are. I don’t pretend to know how it all works. Maybe that experience back in college affected you so much, you never let something slide again. You turned it into determination to do the right thing, to not let the bad guys get away. Or maybe that’s all just psycho-babble, I don’t know. But you’ve made a positive difference in so many people’s lives, I can’t even count them. And if you put your mind to it, you can make a difference with this, too.”

Steve would like to believe this, he really, really would. But he can’t help doubting himself. “Are you sure?” 

“I don’t have all the answers, Steve,” Danny says, pulling Steve tightly against his chest and wrapping his arms around his shoulders. “God knows, I wish I did,” Danny breathes into his hair. “Just give it time. Work on it. I’ll be with you, all the way.”

Steve’s pretty sure that nothing can make up for the harm Nathan suffered. But given that he can’t turn back the clock, he wants to believe what Danny says – that he can do something now to make a difference. And with Danny by his side, he figures he might just have a fighting chance.

**Author's Note:**

> "Conduct Unbecoming" is from Article 133 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice: "Conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman: Any commissioned officer, cadet, or midshipman who is convicted of conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman shall be punished as a court-martial may direct." A gentleman is understood to have a duty to avoid dishonest acts, displays of indecency, lawlessness, dealing unfairly, indecorum, injustice, or acts of cruelty.
> 
> Disclaimer: I have no experience with how the military would actually investigate either the initial complaint, or Steve’s confession years later; any mistakes are my own. But I do have personal experience with what it feels like to be faced with the dilemma presented when a loved one asks for forgiveness for something arguably unforgivable (and how organizations can shape investigations to cover up things they'd rather not reveal). This story would have been even harder to write if Steve had been the assailant (as in the case discussed in the Roxane Gay podcast) but I just couldn’t do it. I welcome your thoughts, but please be gentle – it’s the time of year for forgiveness in the Jewish tradition, so perhaps I erred on that side.


End file.
